As we entered June, it was now 6 months since my adventure with stress & panic anxiety started. I had been seriously struggling to get out of bed, breathe, be mindful, do yoga, exercise, take ice cold baths, do body therapy and get acupuncture every single fuc.... day. In addition to this, I had also started resuming some IT tests and tasks to see where my level was at. Cognitively, I was doing pretty well as I was starting to find some joy again in the things I had normally worked on, but I was still quite far from anything resembling optimal function.
I was well into acupuncture, which I had studied for hours and had started with a Chinese doctor. The acupuncture was so hard on my body that I had to leave the clinic one time because the needles were popping out of my body and another time because I had an anxiety attack in the middle of the reception.
My dear wife is a nurse and is pretty good at working with psychologists and psychiatrists and really started to question the PTSD diagnosis I had been given. It definitely looked like PTSD when I walked in the door of the psychologist the first few times. But over time, that diagnosis was changed to generalized anxiety triggered by stress, which, by the way, was not a title I wanted to hang on to any longer than necessary.
Despite my journey, little moments that can be timeboxed as hours and half days began to occur where I started to feel somewhat normal in my body. I still had symptoms that were along the lines of severe nausea and a bit of dizziness, but it was getting longer and longer between full blown panic attacks - it was awesome! It was also around June/July when I became convinced that I might come fully back to life again, without setting a date - I had long since given up and accepted that.
Here are a few snippets from some of the best episodes in June:
Acupuncture 8/6/2023. I came into the clinic, was a bit pressured, but felt under control. I had needles inserted from “head to toe”, on the front with about 50 needles. It hurt like crazy, like knives were being stuck through my skin, but I didn't say anything, I just had to go through with it. The doctor had just left the room I was in when 15-20 needles popped out of my body one by one, with relative strength. I pulled the rest out myself in great pain and left the place and sent a text message.
Wedding 17/6/2023. was invited to the wedding of two amazing people, together with my wife. An event I was really looking forward to, as I hadn't really been out in over 6 months. I felt “standard” bad with severe nausea and a little dizzy, but thought fu... it, it should not hold me back. We entered the church and the music started. We sat up front, close to the organist and could clearly see him.... until..... SLASH!!! Then the worst panic attack from hell came back to me. MAX tunnel vision, ringing in my ears, sweating profusely, shaking like crazy, couldn't breathe or talk. I had to walk out of the church, clinging to the wall and take cover in a nearby playground. I recovered somewhat and my dear wife came out to me. She drove me home, asked if I wanted a ride somewhere where I could get some other help.... She was also getting a bit battered and got the same feeling that we were back to step 1 of the journey. I declined, but completely broke down and she went to the party like I nagged her to do... I sat on the terrace for 5-6 hours reflecting on what the fu... just happened.
Acupuncture 19/7/2023. I was still relatively shattered after the experience with the wedding, but was determined to continue with acupuncture. I showed up, the doctor greeted me and said come on, follow me Christopher. I took 3 steps and then I had another panic attack out of this world again. I was forced to my knees in front of others in the waiting room, hyperventilating, struggling to see and breaking out in a cold sweat. I got on my feet, leaned against the wall, limped out of the clinic and never returned.
/Christopher
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