It was vacation time for my lovely family - including myself. Even though I had set myself up to be positive and enjoy a vacation with my family, I knew it was going to be extremely demanding.
We took a trip to Bornholm, where the first demanding stage was the ferry. It was insanely demanding and took all my capacity to keep the panic attacks down. I couldn't drive the car on board or take care of anyone but myself. I had my headset on full blast, with noise reduction and loud music. The great thing about panic attacks is that you don't know when they're coming - and when they come, the strength and length always vary. There's only one thing to do. Step into it and let your body relive nightmare after nightmare to get back to “normal”. It's honestly something I don't want other people to try to experience. At the time of writing (17/8/2024), a year later, I am completely convinced that this is what makes people become addicted to various substances to get through everyday life. I have solid experience in the field of panic attacks - not substances and would be happy to give a free helping hand if you are, or know someone who is going through something like this and needs help.
We completed the trip to Bornholm, with relatively many stress symptoms, and came back to Zealand, where we went to a summer cottage. For the first time in about 8 months, I woke up and had a normal state in my body. I didn't dare to believe it. We're talking completely normal feeling - no stress reactions, no PTSD, no nausea, no body tremors, no ringing in the ears, no breathing problems. I was back to life and actually in even better “condition” than I could ever remember.
Before the vacation, I had requested a meeting with a psychiatrist, which we held after the vacation, to see if I was completely burned out in body and mind, or if it was “just” a stress collapse. The psychiatrist's assessment, like the doctor and psychologist, was that it was a collapse - at the outer/critical end of the scale.
From here, my real return to life as a normal functioning human being starts in small but significant steps.
Here are a few sparse snippets from some of the best episodes in July/August:
3/8/2023: Meeting with a psychiatrist. Pretty anxiety provoking to show up at such a clinic. If there's anything I'm afraid of, it's people who can enroll people in a clinic or have free access to prescribe medication that can change your personality. I was under a bit of pressure, but I was able to tell my story. The psychiatrist had already printed out a page with some info on some anti-anxiety pills I could take a look at. I thought, No fuc.... way, if I'm going to start a course of treatment with those chemicals now that I've come this far. I recognize that it's something that works for some people. It might also have helped me in the beginning, when I was on my knees. We agreed that I would not be part of a treatment program, but that I had an open referral for 6 months if needed.
25/8/2023, first return to my workplace. I was really looking forward to seeing my colleagues again. It was a gentle start, with a short one-hour visit. I was top tuned on the way there, but when I arrived my body went into complete panic. I held on, came in, chatted a bit and sweated like crazy. I left after an hour and went straight home to sleep as all my energy was exhausted.
It was from here that my real return to life took off. I took the days at an extremely slow pace to get going again. I was starting to get the desire back to read, build, debug, test. All the things you mess around with in the IT industry in general.
I still have a lot of things I'm struggling with (August 2024), after this stress collapse. Among other things, I had a tooth fixed a few days ago, which had become infected as my immune system was at rock bottom. When I had to be anesthetized, I had the sickest panic attacks again. Something I haven't had in a year or so, but which is lurking. My body was shaking, I couldn't sit still and had difficulty controlling my breathing optimally. I'm not afraid of them though, they just have to arrive. Over time, it completely fades into the background and I'm now pretty much back to a normal life again, which I'm working on becoming even better than it ever was.
/Christopher
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